This song speaks volumes to me. Especially lately. We have all had things in our lives that have held us back. Wrongs done against us, people who would rather hold us where we are then see us blessed. You know the ones. The ones who smile to your face, but you can see the anger and jealousy in their eyes. Who complain to others how unfair it is that you got this or that, pointing out your every shortcoming or fault. Their words sting, and cut. But you can’t take everyone with you. Regardless of how much you love them. Some people will never understand why they are where they are because they spend all of their time pointing fingers and throwing blame. It is always easier to find someone’s flaws rather than deal with our own. Many times I have allowed the actions of others to make me feel unworthy of the blessings God has set before me. I will stretch myself and bend over and allow their words to break me, and bruise me. But I have had to make a choice to stop that from happening. I have to understand that no I don’t get it right all the time. But even when I don’t I know who can make it right.
If one were to look back on my life and all I have survived they would assume that I would be strung out somewhere, haunted by my abuses and abusers.For years that would have been true. Abused by family members from a young age, the abuse continuing into my teen years. Getting into college and trading sex for love and attention, because it was all I knew. Church attendance dabbled throughout my tapestry of life. Different denominations, different rules, never fully grasping the concept of what Jesus really came to do. For all intents and purposes abandoned by my father. Desperately needing the guidance of him and never having it. I still didn’t get it. Failure was expected. I wasn’t worth loving, my entire life had told me that. My worth was based on what I could do for a man sexually. Church sure didn’t help that belief. It was a subject they avoided like the plague, other than to say it was a private thing, you don’t talk about it. I married a guy in college who saved me from a rapist. Though we were just friends prior to that moment he was the first male in my life that showed compassion and concern. So of course I clung to him as if he were the last life boat on the Titanic. Both too young it lasted 2 years. I caught him cheating once more, miles from home I called my mother sobbing. I had gained nearly 50 pounds in the 9 months I had been gone. I was horrible and I felt it. A bus ticket was purchased and I was on my way back home.
I went to night school, I got a job, I lost weight. I cut up and laughed and had fun. But I always felt less then. Met and dated a few guys, one I got pregnant by. So here I was living with my mom, working a night shift job, going to school to get a degree in business management and now I am having a baby. I went to a different church, who accepted me even though I was a huge sinner. See I was so good at labeling myself I no longer needed anyone else to do it for me. I got so used to the hypocrites who sat in the pews so sanctified and saved, making me feel like I would never get there. I would go to the altar and cry out, I would sing because everyone wanted me too, my knees shaking with fear. I did what was expected. Just like always. My son was 3 almost when I got with my current husband. Someone I had known for 10 years. He didn’t know about my childhood. He had seen me in churches, seen me sing, loved me from afar. He saw what I could not see. He had for years. But even after marriage I showed the side I was trained to show. He loved me through it. Just like he has for the last 16 years.
The loss of our good friend sent me reeling and going back to a church he had attended before his untimely death. In the seats I felt the same fear and panic. I heard the whispers of the enemy in my ear. I looked over my shoulder expecting someone to come tap me on the shoulder and tell me that my ‘kind’ wasn’t welcome here. Wounds from childhood and most of my life covered me like a blanket. Praise and worship brought me into a place with God I had never experienced. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I came to be angry. I came to cry out to Him and ask him why me? Instead He covered me in his love and laid me out on the floor. I was there for what seemed like forever. Sobbing. Deep racking soul ripping sobs. Tears for the childhood lost. Tears for the abused child who still cowered in the corner of me. I wish I could say I got up from there and never looked back, but if it was that easy we would have no need for churches and ministering people to show us God through them, even in their shortcomings.
Do I get this all the time? No not by a long shot. I fall more times than I stand, but the important part is I stand. I have to trust that even in my failures God has me covered. I have to know that no one will ever be perfect and if I wait till I get it all right to bring it to him then I have no need of Him. I need Him every day. Period. I have to let things go, and that is the hardest thing for me, for everyone really. It is not man’s nature to allow those who hurt us to get off scot-free. We want to see them hurt like we hurt. But our hanging on doesn’t hurt them it hurts us. Forgiveness is not about them it is about healing ourselves. Shaking off the labels and the unkindness brought on by others. By finding the strength to pray for them not prey on them. To tell them who God sees them as rather than what their behavior says about them. It is not an easy thing. Yesterday it was not easy. When something I thought was finally dealt with wasn’t. It came back up and arrived through the information of another. I was belittled to the weeping child again. Never good enough, regardless of all I do. I spent most of the day just angry and bitter and really wanting to tell this person how I felt about them and their behavior towards me. I wanted them to KNOW that I knew. But that serves nothing. So I saw the video above and realized that is exactly where I am. I am over it now, not because of anything I have done but because God did. Not because they took back their hurtful words and actions but God did. Telling them all this won’t change them, anymore then putting them in a church pew will make anyone a Christian. All it does is allow them to know their choices and actions affected me. That is not information they need. Nor something that I need to hang onto. I refuse to linger in their pity party. I refuse to deny any blessings I have coming because THEY don’t think I have earned it. Not because I haven’t but because they haven’t been blessed like that and if they don’t get it no one should. So I am over it now.. I can’t say how but I’m over it now. Don’t expect me to stoop to your level because my desire is to never hold another back , to wound them or make them feel unworthy. For we are all unworthy. Every day. But if I cannot show grace how can I expect anyone else to understand it? If I can’t manifest forgiveness how can I expect to receive it from God or anyone else.