Learning how to heal..

It has been 9 months since I lost mom. Every day I look out my window while making my morning cup of coffee, and everyday I look at her house. Empty and closed up, save for the few times we have gone in to clean it up and sort stuff for an estate sale. Soon I will be taking pictures of the inside to put it up for sale, I would prefer whoever buys it moved it off the land, but my sister is going to give her part she got in mom’s death to put up for sale with it if a person needs it. I am hoping they don’t. I figure I will auction it by the end of October if we don’t have any bites. But the healing has been so hard. Especially with every where I turn I am reminded by mom.

I have come to the realization that I have lost a sister. Her choices before and since mom’s death have left me no choice but to cut all ties with her.When you do all you can to connect and continually get kicked for it, at some point enough is enough. There are just some people that blood makes no difference to them. They talk about how great they are to other people, but only in respect to what they get out of it. Being good to someone is not about what YOU gain, as long as you have that thought process you have no reason to ask WHY ME when you find yourself alone, abandoned and used. You reap what you sow.

But I have taken a job. One that allows me to assist the elderly who want to remain in their homes. I love it. It is healing me slowly. It is giving me the ability to love on someone who understands how important the human connection is for everyone. I have always loved older people, but never thought I could work in a nursing home. I love my position now. They get the opportunity to speak for what they want in help and assistance. They get a say in their care. It allows them dignity, something that has been taken from far too many simply because their families could not provide that kind of care and affording it was almost impossible. It is sad that we have taken people’s right to have dignity in life choices simply because they or their families cannot afford to pay for help. I know that caring for mom in her last years was something I was grateful for. Enabling her to live in her own home surrounded by her family and people she loved made all the difference for her. Every illness she would fight harder to come home to her grandbabies and to be there for as much of their life as she could. Knowing the difference that made for mom has given me an ability to want to allow others that same chance. Sometimes I am one of the few people they see daily, and that is okay with me as well. Everyone needs someone they can depend on to be there. My lady knows if she wants to call at 2 in the morning because she doesn’t feel well I will be there will bells on. I will be her advocate for the care she deserves and wants. I am a new link in her chain. In stepping into this role I am healing from the loss of mom, the loss of family who will never change. I have had my eyes opened to the lack of empathetic caregivers in the world. People who do it not for the money but for the love of another human being. That is priceless, especially to the person you are helping.