You were my youngest and the one I spent the least amount of time with. I cannot apologize enough for not being the father I could have been and should have been for you. I made decisions that I thought would affect only me but they carried a weight on you that you should have never had to bear. I left you, as a child, uncovered by her father and for that I am truly sorry. Even when given the opportunity to at least be a part of milestones I allowed my new wife to dictate the time I spent with you, and that should have never been. You were my child and as such deserved much more from me then what you got. I left you feeling abandoned and unwanted and nothing could have been farther from the truth. I need you to know that I understand you anger and pain and they were warranted and justified. I wish I could have changed time and made different decisions. I may not have remained married to your mother but I would have done whatever it required to remain in your life as your father. I cannot understand how you came to a place to love me like you did and allow me in your life as you did, but I am grateful you did. I know I didn’t deserve that right. My choices are still making you girls pay for my mistakes in trusting the woman I married after I left your mom. I have been gone nearly 4 years and you are still having to fight for what was rightfully yours..I should have written the will. Just another in a long list of my coulda shoulda woulda’s that I never did. I looked at you as a young mother and a wife and think I had a big hand in that. Your fears and insecurities fed by my lack of involvement. Your abuse the result of my neglect and inability to KNOW who you were and read your cries for help. Butyour strength I cannot take credit for, that is you and God. Your talents not mine to own, again you and God. Your ability to love unconditionally ,even those who don’t deserve it, again you and God. I wish I had taken the lessons on parenting long before. Maybe I would have enjoyed more time as a grandfather to your kids, and a father to you.I can only hope that you forgive me enough to look for me in the halls of heaven. I will be watching for you.. I was so blessed to have you as a daughter and I am so sorry I realized it so late..
mama kat’s writer’s workshop