You all know Travis , if you don’t click the link above. Trust me you will thank me profusely and promise me your first lottery win for this hook up. He is the big brother that you never had, or better then the one you do. He tells all the great embarrassing stories of HIS Life and doesn’t threaten you to never tell anyone. CAuse he is cool like that. Anyway today is his little blog carnival called Memoir Monday.. you grab that button from his page, write you TRUE story and then link up with him in the comments. Then sit back and wait for the fish to bite, metaphorically speaking of course ( woohooo my dictionary 5.00 word of the day).
So today I am going to be revealing the inner workings of my Ex hubby from so many moons ago I don’t know if he should technically count. Except he moved me from Kentucky to Colorado with his Army relocation and thus gave me blog fodder for 16 years in the future.. Thanks dude!!!
Now my ex hubby grew up in the Appalachian mountains of Kentucky, a small little county called Knott, as in it’s so small it’s KNOTT a county . HA I kill me. Anyway his home literally sat on the opposite side of a mountain they were mining in. Which of course led to his family home being flattened by an oversized explosion from aforementioned mine. I KID YOU NOT! Thankfully none of his family was home at the time, and the mining company gave them money and material to build a better house then the one they flattened. One with ohhh indoor plumbing. OH yeah I am going there.. his family had an outhouse, which I was cool with. What I was not cool with was the hen that sat there 24-7 and made pottying an adventure. But I digress. So with the materials his step dad Ezra ( oh yeah that’s his real name) began building their new home. At the point we came to visit they had a frame built up with 1 room enclosed. That room became called the pouting house. IF Ezra and Gail ( his mom and stepdad) got into a disagreement, Ezra had a fridge , bed, tv, VCR , and woodburning stove. Anyway when we visited as the newly wed couple we were granted the pouting house to sleep in. Now the house they lived in was shaky at best and surrounded by chickens, geese, dogs, cats and bees. Oh yeah he was a bee keeper. Anybeesting the first night we were in the pouting house I was awakened by my hubby shaking me violently screaming get out get out get out.. I have no clue why he was screaming. Until I heard it. A low hum sound, and I thought oh crap bees. Oh no my friends bee’s would have been a cake walk. Apparently , Ezra and Gail had been getting along famously resulting in the non use of the pouting house and the wood stove. So some wasps, which I am highly allergic to , had set up shop. Which of course was ruined by our use of the stove once more. Somehow they came out of teh stove into the room. And he had gotten stung. Ahem right next to his .. ummm.. well you know. So anypenisswellingnightmare I scramble for the door in the dark at about 3 am. I forgot it was a downhill slide from there to the outhouse and an uphi9ll climb from the outhouse to teh big house but I remembered when I landed on my tail stepping off the porch ( stoop). So I get to the other house nd wake up the ‘rents who scrable to th other house and run out all the critters. Finally at 5 am I can return to bed..I thought. UNtil I am awakened by more buzzing and humming and open our door to see about 10000 bees in the tree outside the door. Apparently a queen had died in one of the hives and the workers were running amuck. So we got those under control. When I realized how close to his area he got stung I looked at him and said,, ” You were thisclose to a case of doc take the pain away and leave the swelling”. I know aren’t I the concerned wife rofl…
But this is not the worst.. oh no that came the next night.
We went to bed around 11:30 or so. I was exhausted. Apparently all the critters running around had purposes. LIke laying eggs. ANYWHERE in a 1/4 mile stretch. Eggs we had to find. Lucky me. Andin the searching for the eggs one had to fight off touchy feely goose who liked to nip your hind parts as you walked and looked for them. Several times I nearly owned his beak, until he decided I was not a fun target. I bit back. So after egg hunting and honey gathering I was exhausted and just wanted a bath. Sure soon as the WATER WAS BOILED on the STOVE.. Ummm I’ll take mine Cold and in another room TYVM. Let’s just say this getaway was not conducive to any romantic moments.. AT ALL. So we crawl in bed and once again around 3 am I am awakened by my hubby screaming at the top of his lungs “GET UP GET UP GET UP” ..
I leapt out of bed figuring we had more uninvited company. NOT.. HE had peed the bed..
OH. YES.HE. DID
Apparently he had been dreaming about fishing and peeing in the pond and well he peed in real life as well. I got up , grabbed my pillow and the only blanket and made my way to the house and slept on the couch with the dog, who didn’t pee the couch but did chase rabbits in his sleep.
Did I mention we only lasted 3 years .. umm yeah..