PYHO: Missing her still..

Scattered thoughts are the norm for me lately. So much I want to say and do, and unable to bring it all around to have it make sense. I hate feeling this way. I can always tell when I am in a funk. My house reflects it as well. I wander from thing to thing to do, laundry, sorted halfway. Dishes done but still needing to be put away. Picking up something in here and returning it shifts my eye to the trash can that no one else notices is begging to be emptied. Easily irritated. Many mornings I attempt to do my ritual, cup of coffee and some blog reading, and find myself literally falling asleep in the seat. Snapping awake from some unexpected sound or twitch. Walking into mom’s house and being surrounded by her things, running through as quick as possible. I still have to take down her tree and ornaments. Another on the list of to-do, along with going through her stuff in the garage. I love how everyone points out it needs to be done, but no one has the time to come help do it. Although I should not be surprised, it has been this way forever. Only this time I just don’t have the energy or desire to do it alone. Photo albums stacked in my floor, waiting for me to go through them and decide what pictures to include in the memorial DVD. Days pass and seemingly it is another month. Some days I feel like she is not really gone. Like she has just taken a trip somewhere and she will pop up and things will be normal. Other days the sense of being alone just takes my breath. Trying to explain this to anyone else is an effort in futility. I texted our pastor last night. Despite not having attended in months. I need to go, I need to be fed. But that mean being in a place I am sure she still lingers. Will I be able to be fed and not look around thinking , did she sit here once? Isn’t that one of her favorite songs? Even the auction, something she never attended, can send memories rolling through. Because she would have had a ball. Especially when they bring up the boxes of stuffed animals. She loved her babies.Especially if they were meant to do something. If they didn’t work she would take them apart to fix them. Those are the days I wish she was here to fix me.

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  1. But I am sorry… for the pain that comes with missing her. Praying for you.
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  2. Gosh… I know this will come out all wrong, but I WISH I had that time to go through and touch Mom’s things and sit awhile feeling she is still there.

    Things were cleared out so quickly (not by any fault of Mr Daddy’s), that it felt a bit like whiplash.

    No matter. The crocuses bloom out of season underneath her window, as they did (also out of season) on the day she died.
    Rachel recently posted..the disability truthMy Profile

  3. You ARE going to get there, it’s just going to take time. You were so close to your momma Angel, that has to be incredibly difficult. She was literally a part of daily life and it will take adjustments, lots of adjustments. I wish I could snap my fingers for you.
    stephanie @ babe’s rockin’ mami recently posted..Induction & PitocinMy Profile

  4. Oh babe! It is bound to get better. hang in there. Love ya and miss you! *hugs*
    Cluttered Brain recently posted..It feels like Friday to me!My Profile

  5. It’s not futile with everyone….I understand. Completely. I too think at times my sister is just away on one of her business trips. There were times we would go awhile with out connecting because life was busy. It’s been nearly two years now….

    You leave that stuff in your garage until you are ready. There is no statute that denotes an appropriate time frame <3

  6. Angel, there are no words. You will be able to do things when the time is right for you. Know that you are supported even if we can’t truly understand {HUGS}
    Coffee Lovin’ Mom recently posted..Vagina Power!!My Profile

  7. So sorry for your loss. xo
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  8. ((hugs))
    Dazee Dreamer recently posted..Best Cake Ever!!!My Profile

  9. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother Angel. I can’t imagine going through my mother’s things (though someday I’ll have to) and decide what to do with everything. I know I won’t want to part with anything… because it was hers, and meant something to her. God bless you during your loss. I know what you meant about being “absent” from church for a while. I need fed as well. My long term “funk” had me keeping to myself so much more than I should have. It’s good to be back in the blog world and to catch up with y’all.

    Have I told you yet I love love the new look to your blog? Sorry, but my days (and catch-up posts) are running together. :) The rotating photos header is great with the those handsome boys of yours! I would say this one “here now” is one of my favorite… but you won’t know which that is. lol
    Diana recently posted..One Thousand GiftsMy Profile

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope & pray that the mourning can get you through. You are in my prayers.