I have made no secret that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I choose not to perpetuate the stigma and the secret that gives that abuse life long power. What I do know is only one of my perpetrators was a non family member. ONE. Out of 6 in my lifetime from age of 4 upwards. Did you just stop there and re-read that. I said 4. So today when I learned of another abuse case by a family member on a child, I was heartbroken.* I must say this abuse did not occur in my family.It was not even anyone I know, but the fact that it happened still bothers me, the fact that it was a family member abusing their child sickens me even more. I want it all to stop. I want kids to be able to be kids, not life long victims. I am aware that some will say, oh but in most cases the abusers were abused themselves in their youth. To that I say bullshit. Ya know what so was I, I am not an abuser. The thought alone sickens me. Some of you will say most perpetrators are men, which I will agree with, but even at that I believe it would still sicken me . Did you also know in many cases if inquiries were done often the information comes out the child’s mother was a victim herself. That was the case for me and many I know like me. My mother grew up in a time you didn’t talk about it, to anyone. It was just something that happened. No . No it isn’t. It never should have been. Ever.
So tonight individuals around the person being abused questioned why the victim had never said anything, it had been occurring for years. I can answer that. Because we are ashamed. Because we are scared. Because eventually it becomes the norm and we learn to disassociate ourselves mentally from the actual act. We can be mentally skipping rope in the front yard while physically we are being assaulted. Perpetrators have become talented at twisting and turning the abuse into something we tolerate. Many time even blaming the victim for ‘asking’ for it by our dress, or the way we looked at them. We don’t tell because we fear no one will believe us. We fear the loss of everything we hold dear, we fear not only feeling dirty , tainted and used but being treated as such.
What angers me the most is we teach our children about strangers. How no one but mommy and daddy have the right to see our private areas, or touch us there. See that line right there. That is wrong NO ONE not even MOMMY OR DADDY has a right to touch us in a way that makes us uncomfortable. EVER. If we, as parents explain to the child that even we are not above that feeling they will feel safer to come to us and say, by the way I was uncomfortable with that touch. If we LISTEN to the child, we can deal with it right then. Not brush it off as something they took the wrong way. Being uncomfortable with something is okay. We want them to respect us, we need to do the same. Within limits. Teach them that saying that does not mean they can run around saying ” I am uncomfortable cause I am mad at you for something.” It is not something to be taken lightly. But if your child is uncomfortable with say you coming in the bathroom when they are in there, respect that. Unless they are small children, then explain why you must be in the bathroom but find a way to keep them safe and feeling heard and respected. So if you need to maybe pluck your eyebrows while your child takes her bath or plays for a bit in the tub, do it, while allowing your child to have their privacy. This of course applies to young children like toddlers who should never be left alone in water, period.
I am sick for their mother, who had the person she chose to spend her life with betray her and their children. I am sickened for the child who has endured this for her life. We warn our kids of strangers, but the stranger in this case was someone they both loved and trusted to protect not harm.
• 89% of child sexual assault cases involve persons known to the child, such as a caretaker or family acquaintance.
-Diana Russell Survey, 1978 Granted these reports are old but the fact is most abusers are KNOWN to the victim and their families. Period.
• 29% of child sexual abuse offenders are relatives, 60% are acquaintances, and only 11% are strangers.
-Diana Russell, The Secret Trauma, NY:Basic Books, 1986.
• For the vast majority of child victimizers in State prison, the victim was someone they knew before the crime. 1/3 had committed their crime against their own child, about 1/2 had a relationship with the victim as a friend, acquaintance, or relative other than offspring, about 1 in 7 reported the victim to have been a stranger to them.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.
• 3/4 of the violent victimizations of children took place in either the victim’s home or the offenders home.
-BJS Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991.
• Males are reported to be the abusers in 80-95% of cases
-Thoringer, D., et al., 1988.
• About 60% of the male survivors sampled report at least one of their perpetrators to be female.
-Mendel, 1993.
Keep in mind some of these statistics are older but still hold true. But we can change them. Working together to train our children, know the signs and signals. Never doubt our instincts. We know, most of the time we know something is off. Trust those instincts and ask, question, remind your child that you will keep them safe from anyone trying to harm them. It starts today…
It sickens me too. I am sorry you had to endure it and now another family member is suffering too. It HAS to end!
Robbie recently posted..Ripped Away
There really are no words… thank you for pointing out that we need to teach our children to tell us if their uncomfortable even if we’re the ones making them uncomfortable. They need to be able to voice all of their feelings! One thing I’ve always let my children do is follow their instincts, I teach them to vocally greet people that come to our house, but if they don’t want to shake hands or go near them for some reason I don’t make them do it for the sake of politeness, and I always take note because I think their instincts are better than ours sometimes.
BonnyBard recently posted..Ode to a fine old broad
Thank you! <3 You.
You know, you are right- we need to talk to our kids about NO ONE touching them. Usually it’s well, but if Mommy or Daddy is giving you a bath or if you are at the doctor… but we need to get more specific and let them know what isn’t okay, no matter who it is coming from.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Active Kids Aren’t Bad Kids
What a well written post. Today I was reading our local newspaper and came upon this story.
http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/world/54341243-68/daughter-flores-ranch-attorney.html.csp
I will freely admit that I was proud of the dad. Even tho him and his daughter will never forget. She will at least know that her dad loves her.
Dazee Dreamer recently posted..I Think I Have A Frack In My Brain
Thank you! Needed to read this!
Thank you for this article. I am the mother of the victim you speak of . I don’t understand how someone can do this to any child especially their own. It is very hard thing to go thru.My daughter has been very strong and brave thru this and I am so proud of her for that. We are going to make sure he gets what he deserves. I hope that one day she will be able to speak publicly like you about the terrible things she has gone thru and possibly help someone that may be going thru the same thing see that there Is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you again for this .
It kills me how some people assume that children should be able to self advocate in a situation of abuse when they are being manipulated by an older individual. It is NEVER the child’s fault. Ugh.
Great post Angel. I do talk to my boys, and I make a point to do so at least every other month. I feel like the more they hear me talk about this, the more empowered they will be to deal with/report a situation gone awry (which I hope hope hope would never ever happen).
Lisa @ Two Bears Farm recently posted..I Survived Potty Training Twins
I am so sick about it all too! It’s so horrible! I didn’t go through that but having two little girls I can’t even think of anybody LOOKING AT THEM inappropriately! It’s such a scary feeling, even taking them outside… but how horrible that there are kids many kids that are not feeling protected even within the walls of their home! they live with the enemy right there and can’t escape! it’s just sick… Stopping by from SITS. Thanks for sharing about this… I wish I would know for sure it makes a difference… it has to … somehow… right?
Paloma recently posted..Watering my brain after a long drought
YES! Thank you for sounding out about this!!! I am a survivor of abuse, but I was an adult. It is hard to speak about it because even though I know my story and have come to an uneasy peace with it, when I tell it to someone for the first time, the pain of knowing hurts them a bit. The abuse of children has to stop. And pity for molesters is misplaced.
Jennifer recently posted..Why I Get Nothing Done At Night
What is even worse is when the mother knows her child is being abused by her husband/boyfriend & chooses to ignore it.
I did a book review on a book you might be interested in reading. It’s called “Nickels: A Tale of Dissociation”. The author was abused by her father starting at a very young age until she ran away as a teen. I cried all through the book. Even though the actual book is fiction, it is based on what the author went through.
Parents have got to start listening to their child and believe them if they say they are being abused. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Stopping by from SITS Sharefest!!
Laura recently posted..NICKELS…A Tale of Dissociation
Thank you for writing about it. It’s important that we tell our stories. I write about mine on my other blog, The Difficult Things. I write so that others will know they are not alone.
Stopping by from SITS. Have a great weekend.
misssrobin recently posted..Why Doesn’t the World Stop?
Thank you for sharing this. My mom is a social worker and works with so many kids suffering through abuse like this. And on my paediatric rotations I too see children scarred by abuse. I don’t know when it will end. I just pray it does.
Visiting via SITS
BarefootMedStudent recently posted..An Author’s Take on the Youth
Yes! Why is being a survivor of abuse still so shameful? It is the sick pedophiles that should feel shame. I was abused as a child and although I know I shouldn’t feel shame, it is still there. I have a 2 year old daughter that I have already started having discussions about appropriate vs. inappropriate touching. I am shocked that some people act like I’m a crazy paranoid person for beginning the dialog at such a young age. Parents pay attention – it is not the creepy stranger lurking – it is the nice neighbor, family friend or family member. Thanks for sharing
Nicole recently posted..Patriotic PlayDough
Ending or putting a major dent in sexual abuse, or any crime for that matter, is education, not fear, anger, hate, vengeance and hysteria.
http://sexoffenderissues.blogspot.com/p/recidivism-studies.html