Why your children should not meddle in adult affairs.. aka don’t read mommy’s texts from daddy..

My oldest is 20, sexually active much to my chagrin. Has a pregnant girlfriend, another thing I am completely not pleased with but he was not living with us at the time she got pregnant. We deal with it and move on hoping lessons learned. Anyway I digress. Why does he seem to think I have all the answers for EVERY sexual question he has? Which mind you I would much rather he come to me than his buddies, who know about as much as he does, thanks public schools for teaching them just enough to be dangerous. I have told him repeatedly, I don’t want to know.

So today he was talking to his gf, he was excited because he had a job, I was excited as well. In the process of securing the job I waited for nearly an hour for him to do testing and watch videos. During this time I decided to have some fun with Daddy… *bats eyelashes innocently*. When my son came out he was unaware of his father and I having a pretty good fantasy going in text. I didn’t figure he would need to know.

His gf and he talk for a bit till I get a call through so he hands me my phone, telling her they will talk when he gets home. I finish my call and see I have 3 more texts. I assumed they were from my husband. 1 was and 2 were from his gf. I gave him my phone to read his 2 messages and expected him to hand it right back after texting her back. Well before he could finish his response I got another text through. He didn’t look to see who it was from just opened it. Ahem. The look on his face as he threw the phone at me.. PRICELESS. Absolutely. PRICELESS. I tell you.

His scream startled me and I yelled ‘What on earth is wrong with you?’ He then told me what the text read. I won’t tell you, let’s just say it was ummm descriptive , yeah we will go with that. I laughed till I nearly cried. He was crying almost but not from laughter. All I heard was ‘ AAGGHH My eyes, I may never see again” . At which point I slapped him upside the head and told him that one was mild for heaven’s sake he should have seen the ones before.. .bwhahahahaah. I. Am. Evil.

I looked at him and said, “Son why do you act like just because I am older I am not interested??” He said, “I don’t care if you do it I just don’t want to KNOW you do it, YOU are my MOM”.

Ummm , hello , I know we discussed this before .. and I know you don’t think your gf got pregnant by immaculate conception or osmosis. How in the sam hill do you think you got here???

“I KNOW mom but ACCKKK shut up now my ears are bleeding even having this discussion with you”

I raised one eyebrow and said, ” Keep that thought in mind the next time you want to spill your guts to me about YOUR sex life. You are my SON and I don’t think you are old enough for it. I am fairly sure you won’t be old enough for it in my eyes till ohhhh I am dead and wouldn’t have ever known you did it. ”

Oddly enough he hasn’t asked for my phone since then. I wonder why???